A Kingdom Hearts Parody
by LadyKakira
Summary: Parody of other shows/ When someone decides to mess with the Kingdom hearts team, Hilariousness ensues. Switched to ongoing series. Collab with SelenaEde, T for language/themes
1. The KH

Hi, I'm _SelenaEde_ and I wrote the story part of **The KH**, _Lady Kakira _however wrote the lovely lyrics for **The KH's** theme song, which is in fact a parody of _California_ by _Phantom Planet_, I only contributed a line. We realize that some of the story is in script form, but it is in fact a story as is shown at the end. If this bothers people then just contact _Lady Kaki_ and discuss it with her, ok people? Ok. Yes, we realize we are crazy. And here is my part of the disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER 1: We do not own Kingdom Hearts, and as far as I go, I don't even own the game. I juts hear about it. A lot. Secondly, I do not own the OC, nor do I wish to EVER own The OC. shudders at the though. Thirdly, I do not take full credit for the basic plot of the script part of this story. That belongs to a wonderful group of people in my Drama class. I just gave the characters dimensions and lines and such.

NOTE This doesn't exactly follow the plot of the Kingdom Hearts games, so it probably takes place somewhere between Chain of Memories and Kingdom Hearts 2. Yes, I realize that Sora, Goofy and Donald are like in a coma or something and Riku and Naminé and Kairi are doing whatever they're supposed to be doing. BUT NOT HERE! No sir, here they're all hanging out on Destiny Island, all together and are even hanging out with the recently deceased Axel! Cause we're crazy like that!

Ok, I've talked FARRRRRRRRRR too much now, so let's let Kaki have a turn, shall we? Go ahead Kaki.

hiya, tis me, LadyKakira, and i wrote the lyrics.

Disclaimer 2: We do not own kindom hearts, Squareenix/Disney does. I on the other hand bought both games. I also dont own TNBC, mr. burton does. i think. And i dont own the song "California", its Phantom planets song (but i do own three tickets to see them in Toronto may 14 at the hct (with !PATD!, THS, And MCS)  
AND I SURE DO NOT OWN THE OC. NUH UH. Wait, i forgot, the Character Kakira, is mine. MIIINNNE I TEELL YOU. We decided to shove her in instead of namine because i dont like namine. :P. And Kaki likes Dra-ma! (mmm- hmm! snap)

**The KH**

_THE KH_

_1x01 – Episode One_

_Introduction plays and theme song plays (Halloween Town to the theme of California by Phantom Planet)_

_Sitting on the hill_

_Taking all those pills_

_LSD and Heroin_

_Halloween Town Here we come_

_Right back where we screwed up from._

_Zombies grab your arm_

_You left it on the lawn._

_When on the hill all stoned._

_Halloween town here we come_

_Right back where we screwed up from._

_HALLLOWEEEN TOWNNNN HALLOWEEN TOWNN!_

_HERE WE COMMMMMMMEEEE!_

_In the guillotine_

_The mayor is so mean._

_He caught us writing on his hearse._

_Halloween town here we come_

_Right back where we screwed up from._

_The blade is coming down_

_But I don't have a frown._

_I'm still high off ecstasy._

_Halloween town here we come_

_Right back where we screwed up from_

_HALLLOOOWEEEN TOOWNNN HALLOWEEN TOWWNN!!_

_HEERE WE COOOOOMMMMEMEME!_

-On the black screen-

"Halloween Town

April 17, 2002, 8:03 pm"

_The episode opens in a quaint little house where Kaki is sitting in the study reading_

Roxas: -Walks into the room clearly upset- Kaki?

Kaki:- puts down her book and looks at Roxas concerned -Oh my god Roxas, what is it?!

Roxas: Oh Kaki!

Kaki: What's wrong?!

Roxas: Kaki, it's...

Kaki: It's what? Roxas tell me what's wrong!

Roxas: Kaki, it's Axel?

Kaki: Oh my god, what's wrong? Did something happen to Axel? Is he all right?!

Roxas: Kaki, Axel's fine, it's just...

Kaki: It's just what?!

Roxas: Kaki, I'm cheating on you with Axel.

Kaki: What?! -starts crying and sobbing- Roxas how could you!

Roxas: Kaki, I'm sorry. I'm cheating on you with Axel and now...

Kaki: -between sobs- Now WHAT Roxas?!

Roxas: Axel's pregnant.

Kaki: WHAT?!- sobs harder -No!

Axel: -walks in and puts his arm around Roxas's waist- I'm sorry Kaki.

Kaki: -sobs -Wh-what now?!

Roxas: Kaki… Kaki I'm leaving you for Axel.

Kaki:- sobs harder and falls to the ground crying- No! NO!

Axel: Kaki, we're sorry. We're in love.

Roxas: I hope we can still be -

Kaki: -between sobs she points at the door- OUT! GET OUT!

Roxas: Kaki -

Kaki: JUST GET OUT! -Cries more-

_Roxas and Axel leaves and Kaki cries and sobs more and the screen goes black_

-on the black screen-

"Halloween Town

August 3, 2002, 4:22 pm"

_The scene opens up with Kairi in the living room of the quaint house._

Kaki: -walks into the room-

Kairi: Oh hey Kaki.

Kaki: Don't you hey Kaki me!

Kairi: What's wrong Kaki?

Kaki: You KNOW what's wrong!

Kairi: I... do?

Kaki: Yes! You do! You haven't done that THING yet.

Kairi: What thing?

Kaki: Oh don't play dumb. I KNOW your having an affair with Axel, and I'm going to tell Roxas and Axel I know unless you do that THING I told you to do!

Kairi: -panicky- WHAT thing?

Kaki: Oh you KNOW what thing!

Kairi: The thing?

Kaki: Yes the THING I TOLD you to DO! So you better do it! Or I'll tell them!

Kairi: Remind me again about the thing?

Kaki: Oh you KNOW what thing!

Kairi:- realization dawns -Oh right the thing! Of course! The thing you told me to do! ...I actually have to do that thing you told me to do?

Kaki: Yes! You had better do that thing I told you to do or I'll tell them! Leaves room

_Kairi stands there thinking and frowning, screen fades to black_

-On the black screen-

"Halloween Town

September 25, 2002, 11:35 am"

_The scene opens up into a quaint little bedroom in the quaint little house. The bedroom is filled with medical equipment. Sora is laying in a coma on the bed, hooked up to various machines_

Axel:- Walks into the room.-

Roxas: follows Axel.

Axel: -approaches Sora's bed.-

Roxas:- Follows.- Man Axel, I still feel so bad.

Axel: About what? Leaving Kaki?

Roxas: Well yeah, but I was talking about Sora's accident.

Axel: You mean his over dose?

Roxas: Yeah...

Axel: It's not our fault.

Roxas: I know, but still, we should have gone with him to the hill, or someone should have. He wouldn't be here if we had. We could have helped him with all the pills.

Axel: I know honey, but there's nothing we can do now. This is the next best thing, right?

Roxas: I guess so.

Axel: -puts his hand gently on Sora's -Sora, I want you to be the godfather of my baby.

Roxas: Yeah.

Axel: I... I know you probably can't hear me, but I just wanted you to know.

Roxas: We just wanted you to know.

Axel: Yeah. -Sniffs.-

Roxas: -sheds a tear.-

Axel: Come on let's go.

Roxas: -to Sora.- Good-bye brother. I'll visit you again soon.

_Axel puts his arm around Roxas's shoulders and Roxas puts and arm around Axel's waist. They leave and the screen fades to black._

-On the black screen-

"Halloween Town

December 16, 2002, 2:05 pm"

_The scene opens with Axel, Kairi, Roxas and Kaki all gathered in Sora's room._

Axel: Uh, you're all probably wondering why I gathered you all here.

Roxas: Axel, honey, why DID you gather us all here?

Kairi:- glances at Roxas awkwardly- then looks away Yeah Axel.

Kaki:- coldly- I have other things to do.

Sora: -is still in a coma.-

Axel: Well, um, I have announcement to make.

Kaki: Uh, Axel, your baby was born last week, remember?

Axel: No! I have a different announcement.

Roxas: -excitedly- You got us more dope?!

Axel:- calmly -No.

Kaki: Well then what is it?

Axel: Well, I... Roxas, I...

Roxas: What is it Axel?

Axel: Roxas, I'm having an affair with Kairi.

Kairi: -blushes-

Roxas:- is shocked- I...

Axel: And I'm leaving you for her. -wraps an arm around Kairi's waist.-

Roxas: -still shocked -Wh...

Axel: And my baby might be hers.

Roxas:- starts crying What?- No! No! Axel? No!

Axel: I'm sorry Roxas.

Roxas: No!! -sobs and cries-

Kaki:- is shocked.-

Roxas: -gets angry and glares at Kairi -This is all your fault! If you hadn't have butted in, none of this would have happened!

Kairi: Me? How is it –

_A shot rings out_

Axel: -falls to the ground dead.-

Kaki: OH MY GOD!

Roxas: AXEL! NOOO!!

Kairi: OHMYGODOHMYGODMOHMYGOD! AHHHH!!

Sora:- is awake from his coma and is holding a gun and pointing it at where Axel used to be standing-

Roxas: S-sora?

Kaki: What?

Kairi: -faints-

Sora: -To Axel's dead body.- Bitch.

Roxas: S-sora?

Sora:- lowers gun and looks at Roxas.-

Kaki: Your awake.

_They all stare at each other and the screen fades to black._

On the black screen

"Halloween Town

January 24, 2003, 8:03 pm"

_The scene opens up in the study of the quaint little house where it all began. Kairi, Roxas and Sora are all gathered._

Roxas: -glares at Kairi -The baby is mine.

Kairi:- glares at Roxas- As if. The baby is mine and you know it. It's too cute to be yours.

Roxas: Is that you or the alcohol talking?

Kairi: Shove it LSD breath!

Sora: Shut up. -Sits down in a comfy chair away from the other three, placing his crutches beside him-

Roxas: Are you OK Sora? Are your legs bothering you?

Sora:- I'm fine.- Just will you two stop arguing? We'll know which of you is the baby's father as soon as Kaki gets back with the test.

Kairi:- mutters- It's me.

Roxas:- glares at Kairi but says nothing.-

Kaki:- walks in carrying a manila envelope. -Ok guys.

Roxas:- rushes over to Kaki. -We have it?

Kairi:- hurries over too. -Oh my god!

Kaki: I have it. He paternity test is right here.

Roxas: Open it!

Kairi: It is so going to be me!

Kaki: -pulls the test out from the envelope.-

Roxas: Ohhhh...

Kairi: squeals with excitement.

Kaki: The father of the baby is...

Roxas: It's gonna be me.

Kairi: No way.

Kaki: -looks surprised.- ...SORA!

_All three turn to look at Sora in shock. The screen fades to black._

-END OF EPISODE ONE-

-Credits Roll and music plays.-

_HALLLOOOWEEEN TOOWNNN HALLOWEEN TOWWNN!!_

_HEERE WE COOOOOMMMMEMEME!_

_HALLLOOOWEEEN TOOWNNN HALLOWEEN TOWWNN!!_

_HEERE WE COOOOOMMMMEMEME!_

_HALLLOOOWEEEN TOOWNNN HALLOWEEN TOWWNN!!_

_HEERE WE COOOOOMMMMEMEME!_

_--_

Sora looked at the script he held in his hand and had just finished reading out loud to the others. He slowly looked up and met the gazes of Roxas, Naminé, Kairi, Kakira, Axel, Riku, Donald and Goofy.

"What the HELL was THAT?!" Sora asked the others.

"I… I… I…" Kakira started but then stopped as she was at a total loss for words.

"Oh my god…" Kairi said, a faint reminiscent of the scripts portrayal of her.

"I… and Axel… and us… and OH MY GOD AXEL WAS A PEDO!" Roxas cried out.

"I would NEVER be with so many people! I am so not that much of a man whore Ack!" Axel yelled out, disgusted.

"Wh… why wasn't I in it?" Naminé asked timidly.

"Gawrsh, that was… uh…. Interestin'." Goofy said awkwardly.

"Who wrote that, that's what I want to know." Donald quacked out.

Suddenly a peel of laughter burst out form the crowd. Everyone turned around looking at each other until they realized that it was Riku that was laughing.

"Oh… my god… with Sora… and the coma… and the drugs… and Axel being pregnant… and the cheating…. And Kairi could have been a dad… and SORA was the dad… and oh GOD!" Riku said between bursts of laughter.

Naminé looked at him with sympathy while the others looked at him with unamused faces.

"Donald's right," Sora stated, dropping the script to the ground and stepping on it. "I wanna know who wrote that piece of shit."

"Wow, Sora, you must be angry, huh?" Goofy asked.

"Well of course he's angry!" Donald and Roxas yelled at the same time.

"We were just made fun of!" Axel burst out.

"In a most uncool way," Kairi added.

"So anyone have any ideas?" Kaki added, finally getting her voice back.

"It was probably Sephiroth," Riku said, referring to the evil man that had been after them since Xemnas had bitten the dust.

Sora looked out into the horizon where the sky met the water and squinted his eyes in anger.

"Sephiroth," Sora started, grabbing his Keyblade that lay beside him. "Your going down."

"Yeah," chorused the others getting their game faces on.

And so it began.


	2. HeartlessFacers

HEARTLESSFACERS

Ok! Same rules and stuff apply! So yeah, enjoy the craziness. _SelenaEde_

DISCLAIMER: (by _SelenaEde_) Ok, I do not own Supernatural, (I own the magazines, comics, seasons and such but not the rights :P) or Kingdom Hearts. I don't own Thir13en Ghosts ether, I just borrowed Jimmy and Dana, that's all. Oh and the plot DEFFINATELY belongs to Supernatural, I just parodied it. I do own Rindy, though

Hiya again! I redid the ghostfacers theme from the supernatural episode this time around, twas hard

DISCLAMER2:(Ladykay)I do not own Supernatural, or the theme song. Heck, i keep forgetting to even watch the show

HEARTLESSFACERS  
1X02 – EPISODE TWO

_The scene opens up with Axel and Roxas wearing suits sitting in comfy chairs and looking at the camera_

Axel: Hello

Roxas: And welcome to the scariest hour on television

Axel: No of your LIFE.

Roxas: Yeah, your life works too.

Axel: Ooo! Of your afterlife!

Roxas: -impatient- Ok, of your afterlife.

Axel: No! Ever! Make it the scariest hour ever!

Roxas: Axel! Shut up!

Axel: -pouts- Ok fine.

Roxas: Welcome, to Heartlessfacers.

_Screen fades to black_

_Credits roll and theme song plays._

-Credit's introduce:

_Axel who grins cheesily, Roxas who looks intrigued, Kaki who smiles, Naminé who smiles and waves, Marluxia who fixes his hair, Sora who looks silly with a flashlight headband on, and Riku who gives the camera the finger and tells it to fuck off_

_Heart, -less facers_

_We'll face a heartless when the keybladers run._

_Heart, -Less facers._

_Stay in the forest when the forest gets hot,_

_Heart, -less facers_

_We face your Heartless, we face your nobodys,_

_Heart, -less facers,_

_We face your faces, we face your DEATH_

_We let Ether go_

_On into the supernatural_

_Well who ya gonna call_

_WE'LL FACE THEM ALL_

_Heart, -less facers,_

_We face your faces, we face your DEATH_

_Heart, -less facers!_

-Screen fades to Black-

_Scene opens up with Roxas and Axel walking from their car towards the camera all slowmo. A car drives by in the background at regular speed, breaking the illusion._

Roxas: -Voice over- Our group has grown over the years.

Axel:- Voice over- We used to be Nobodylair, but we grew tired of that.

Roxas: -Voice over- We're like two lone wolves…

Axel: -Voice over- And lone wolves, need, other wolves.

Roxas: -Voice over Axelllllll….

Axel -Voice over- What?

Roxas:- Voice over- Ugh.

_Screen fades to black._

_On the black screen-_

_"Phase One: Lots of Work that We'll Get Everyone Else to Do."_

_Roxas and Axel walk into Heartlessfacer's HQ which is the garage. They join Kaki and Naminé._

Marluxia:- walks in carrying a grocery bag- Oh my god guys! Iii got us food!

Kaki: -looks at him- Great.

Naminé: I like food!

Kaki: -glares at Naminé- Your an idiot.

Naminé: -shocked- That's not nice!

Roxas: Cut it out you two!

Naminé: -holds up the video camera and walks up to Marluxia- Ok Luxy! Tell us about how you came to join the team!

Marluxia: -happily- Ok! Well I was just a bad guy in Organization 13 but like then, I wanted to change my ways and Axel and Roxas totally let me join the team as an intern!

Naminé: -walks over to Kaki and focus's the camera on her- How'/d you join the team, Kaki?

Kaki: Well Axel's my brother, and I wanted to help out so here I am. Now give me that camera.

Naminé: No!

Kaki: Give me the camera Naminé!

Naminé: Nooooo!!

Kaki: -snatches the camera away and holds it up to Naminé- How did YOU join the team?

Naminé: -relieved- Oh is that all you wanted. Ok, well Roxas and Axel asked me to join. -Nods-

Kaki: -laughs- No they didn't!

Naminé: They did too!

Kaki: They did not! You had to beg and plead to be let on as an intern!

Naminé: Shut up!

Kaki: It's true!

Naminé: Yeah, well I got promoted to cameraman!- Sticks out tongue-

Kaki: -tosses her the camera and walks away laughing.-

Naminé:- cradles camera- It's ok baby, mommy's got you.

Marluxia: Aww, that's so sweet!

Naminé: Shove it Marluxia!

Marluxia: -pouts-

_Screen fades to black_

_On black screen-_

"Heartlessfacers HQ 7:15 pm

Research Briefing"

_The scene opens up with Roxas, Kaki and Naminé sitting at a table. Axel is standing at a whiteboard that has pictures on it._

Axel: Ok, we're going to be investigating 'The Creepy Twilight Town Mansion in the Woods'. Every four years this place becomes like the most haunted place EVER.

Naminé: Ever?

Axel: EVER!!

Naminé: -looks scared-

Kaki: -laughs at her-

Roxas: -smacks forehead with hand-

Axel: Some people call it the "Leap Year Ghost" cause he show's up at midnight just as Feb. 29th begins.

Kaki: Cool.

Axel: No body has ever stayed the night… UNTIL NOW!!

Kaki: Coooooool.

Roxas: -mutters- Oh brother. What a drama queen.

Naminé: Ahhh!

Kaki: -laughs-

Marluxia: -walks in and taps Axel on the shoulder and hands him a coffee- Coffee time!

Axel: -jumps- Ack!

Roxas: -laughs-

Kaki: -laughs-

Naminé: -laughs-

Kaki: -glares at Naminé-

Naminé: -shuts up-

Axel: What's this?

Marluxia: A French Vanilla. -kind of suggestively- Cause I got you one yesterday and you said you liked it so I got you another one.

Axel: -completely oblivious- Ok, cool! -sips the coffee-

_Cut to Roxas sitting in their car outside_

Roxas: -to camera- Ok, I think that Marluxia TOTALLY has the hots for Axel. And Axel's like totally oblivious. And TOTALLY not gay. At least I think he's not gay… EITHER WAY! This is bad, it can totally screw things up for the whole group!

_Cut to Marluxia sitting in the back of the van_

Marluxia: What do I think of the team? Oh they're great! Kaki's cool and Naminé's a little whiney, but still. And Axel is so cool with his manly muscles and his awesome red hair that's all spiky and so cool… Axel's just so awesome… Oh! And Roxas is nice to! -Grins-

_Fade to black_

_On the black screen-_

"Phase Two: Breaking and Entering like Idiots"

_The scene opens up. It is dark outside and all five of the Heartlessfacers members are rushing up to the fence that's around 'The Creepy Twilight Town Mansion in the Woods'._

Axel: They were having a problem with people breaking and entering so they put up this fence.

Kaki: Uh, Axel, aren't WE breaking and entering?

Axel: Yes, but we're doing it for the good of mankind.

Kaki: Uh, huh.

_Roxas produces a pair of wire-cutters but they all stop moving as they hear a car approach with loud rock music coming from it and a heavy engine. Once the car passes Roxas cuts through the fence and they break into the house and set up their command center. Roxas, Naminé, Kaki and Marluxia head off to set up camera's around the house and Axel stays with the monitors._

Axel: -Looking into a monitor and speaking through a microphone- Ok Roxas, I see you, good work.

Roxas: Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Heads back to camp.-

Axel: -looking through another monitor- Kaki, a little to the left.

Kaki: -moves the camera- Better?

Axel: Perfect.

Kaki: -heads back to center-

Axel: -looking through another monitor- Looking good Marluxia.

Marluxia: -stops and stares into the screen with an admiring expression, after a beat of silence- Thank you Axel. -Suggestively- You too. -Heads back to camp-

Axel: Ok. -looking in another monitor- I can't see you Naminé.

Naminé: -fixes the camera- Better?

Axel: Awesome. That's it, come on back.

_On the screen-_

"The Creepy Twilight Town Mansion in the Woods 10:40 pm

Base Camp"

Axel: Um, ok, how are we going to split up?

Roxas: I'll go with Naminé and Kaki, you go with Marluxia.

Axel: Ok, let' do this!

_They go their Heartlessfacers "thing"_

_Screen fades to black_

_On black screen-_

"Phase Three: Omfg, it's FACE TIME!

'The Creepy Twilight Town Mansion in the Woods' 10:51 pm

1st Floor Team One: Axel & Marluxia"

Axel: -is holding an EMF meter- Uuh heartless, dudes. Heartless guys. Come out and talk to us! Woo!! We mean you no harm! We just wanna talk… chat… converse… uh…. Le talko? Oh come on you damn Heartless! Come on!

Marluxia: Axel I don't think it's –

-Something moves-

Axel: AHHH!

Marluxia: -unleashes girly scream- AHHHHHHHHH!! jumps into Axel's arms

Axel: -drops Marluxia-

Marluxia: Ow! -Stands up- Axel I'm so scared!

Axel: It's ok Marluxia. It's fine. Just calm down. -Puts hand on Marluxia's shoulder- You need to calm the whirlwind of your mind.

Marluxia: -stares at Axel in admiration- Ok!

_On screen-_

"2nd Floor: Team Two

Roxas, Naminé and Kaki"

Roxas: -to camera- We're looking for EMF because that tells us when ghosts are around so we think that maybe it'll tell us when Heartless are around.

Naminé: Your so smart Roxas.

Kaki: -hits Naminé- Oops.

Naminé: Ow!

_-The camera goes all fritz-y-_

Naminé: Uh, guys the camera's all weird.

_The three of them burst into a room_

Roxas: AH! OH MY GOD! AHHHH!! -runs out of room-

Naminé: Ooh my god! What is it?!

_Camera focuses in on a rat_

Kaki: It's a rat.

Naminé: Ah ha ha ha! Roxas is afraid of a little itty-bitty rat! -Giggles-

Roxas: -angered- Hmph! -crosses arms- I do NOT like rats, ok! -sticks tongue out at Naminé-

Kaki: -puts an arm around Roxas' shoulders- It's ok Roxas.

_-Cut to Axel and Marluxia. They are now using night vision and are rather breathless.-_

Axel: Ok, we begin round two of searching the first

_-A light shines behind them-_

Riku: Freeze! Police!

_Riku and Sora are there. Riku's pointing a keyblade at them and Sora's shining a flashlight at them, only is making the light 'dance'_

Axel: OH SHIT!

Marluxia: Oh my god! WHAT DO WE DO AXEL?! WHAT DO WE DOOOOOOOOO?!

Axel: Uuh… -looks closely at Riku and Sora- Hey. I know you!

Riku: Uh huh, right.

Axel: I do! We met you before. Nobodylair?

Riku: Uh…

Sora: Oh my god! It's one of those fucktards from Castle Oblivion! Right Riku? Am I right?!

Riku: -looks at Axel- Holy fuck! It is!

Sora: YAY! I was right!

Marluxia: -smiles at Sora- Yay! You were right!

Riku: Look, you and your little friends need to get out of here now.

Axel: Uh, no.

Riku: We have to leave!

Axel: No.

Sora: We have to leave before the evil Heartless comes to STEAL ALL OUR HEARTSSSSSS!!

Marluxia: I don't have a heart… WE don't have hearts….

Sora: And KILL US!!

Marluxia: AH! NO! -hugs Sora all scared like-

Sora: -hugs Marluxia all scared like-

Riku:- is unimpressed- Yeah, like Sora said.

Axel: I don't believe you.

Riku: -grabs Axel by the throat- Listen bud, we are in DEEP SHIT here if we don't get out now. Where's your partner?

_-Cut to Roxas, Naminé and Kaki-_

_-The camera goes all fritz-y-_

Naminé: Uh guys, the camera's doing that thing again.

_-Suddenly a man appears before them, his hands arms are tied behind his back and he's lying on the floor-_

Roxas: OH MY GOD! IT'S A GHOST!

Kaki: AH! HOLY SHIT!

Naminé: EEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!

Ghost: No! Larry! Please! I'll get you your money! No!

_-The ghosts right leg gets chopped off-_

Ghost: -screams out in pain-

Roxas: AHHH!!

Kaki: -hides her face in Roxas' shirt-

Naminé: EEEEK!!

_-The ghost's left leg gets shopped off-_

Ghost: -screams in pain-

Roxas: -is completely silent and hugging Kaki-

Naminé: EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!

_The ghost's head gets chopped off and he disappears._

_-Cut to Axel, Marluxia, Sora and Riku-_

Axel: We're here to show the world the truth! Show them the heartless that appears in this house every leap year!

Riku: Do you even realize that people go missing in this house?! They come in and they don't come out! No one has been in here all night and lived to tell the tale!

Axel: Yeah right.

Sora: No! It's true! See! -Pulls missing person's reports out of a bag and grins really big at them-

Axel: Hmmm –

_-Suddenly Roxas, Kaki and Naminé come running down the stairs freaking out and screaming-_

Roxas: Oohmygodohmygodohmygod!!

Kaki: EEEEEPPP!!

Naminé: Ahhhh!!

Roxas: -spots Riku and Sora- Hey! Are those the assholes from Castle Oblivion?!

Sora: HI ROXAS!! waves

Roxas:- looks unimpressed- I'll take that as a yes.

Riku: Ok, you know what, we have to get you out of here before you get hurt. Come on.

Sora: Yeah!

Riku: We have to get out of here.

Axel: No way!

Roxas: Yeah!

Namine: Come on, watch this!

-thier_ encounter plays back on the camera. All of them watch.-_

Riku: It's a ghost.

Sora: Yeah!

Riku: What's it doing here?

Sora: I dunno. But they're harmless!

Riku: Yeah, so there has to be SOMETHING else here that's killing people.

Sora: So we have to get out of here! Come on guys, please, please, please can we leave!!

Roxas: No way! We have to show the people what's in this house!

_-There is an angry silence-_

Axel: looks around Where's Marluxia?

_-Cut to Marluxia who is wandering down a hallway with a camera and flashlight.-_

Marluxia: Come on out little Heartless! Can you show yourself for me please? I need you to show yourself so I can show off to Axel! Squeee!

_-Suddenly something grabs him and he lets loose a loud girly scream that the guys at the command center can hear. Everyone breaks out in panic as they try to find him.-_

_Fade to black._

_On black screen-_

"The Creepy Twilight Town Mansion in the Woods'

12:00 am"

_Everyone searches wildly for Marluxia until they realize he is gone. Sora goes to try the door and can't open it._

Sora: OH MY GOD! I CAN'T OPEN THE DOOR!

Riku: Shit. We must be locked in.

Naminé: What does that mean?!

Riku: It means that whatever got Marluxia, wants us too.

Sora: OH NOOOOOOOOO!!

_-Naminé's camera goes all fritzy.-_

Naminé: Oh my god! The camera's doing it again!

Riku: Something's coming.

Sora: OH NOOOOOOOOOO!!

_-Suddenly another ghost appears. It is a woman who is sitting in a bathtub that is full of bloody water. She is crying and cutting herself. The 'facers and Sora yells/screams and huddle together-_

Axel: Holy shit!

Naminé: Eek!

Roxas: AH! SHE'S –

Kaki:HOLY CRAP NAKED CHICK!!

Riku:- goes up to the girl and starts yelling- HEY! YOUR DEAD! STOP HURTING YOURSELF! COME ON!!

Kaki: What the hell is he doing?

Sora: Uh, I think he's trying to scare her away.

Riku: -yelling- Come on! Get out!!

_-Suddenly the girl looks up and dies, having bled to death.-_

Riku: Damn it.

_-The group begins moving-_

Sora: Riiiiiiikkkkuuuuuuu. That doesn't make sense. Ghosties haunt where they lived or where they died. Neither of those people died herrrrrrrrreeeeeeee.

Riku: I know Sora.

Kaki: Where are we going?

Roxas & Axel: Yeah.

Riku: To the study.

Sora: Why? Did Colonel Mustard kill somebody with the wrench?

Naminé: Tee hee.

Riku: -sarcastically- Yes Sora, that's it EXACTLY.

Roxas: No seriously, why?

Riku: To see if we can find some records of the asshole that lived here before.

-They look through boxes-

Sora: I FOUND SOMETHING!!

Riku: -reads the paper- Holy shit, he actually did.

Kaki: What does it say?

Riku: Well the owner of this house was Zac Efron. He was an actor and was into taxidermy. He was one sick puppy, let me tell you. He also has books on surviving an atomic bomb attack. He died years ago under weird circumstances.

Naminé: Pfft, weirdo.

Axel: -digs through a box and pulls out some toe tags- Uh guys, what are these?

Kaki: Oh god!

Sora: TOE TAGS!!

Riku: Yeah, those are toe tags.

Axel: Huh?

Roxas: Those were on dead guys toes.

Axel: Oh my god, EW! -Tosses them away.-

Riku: looks at them. These match the deaths of those ghosts. At least we know why theyre here.

Sora: You mean Zacky brought them here?!

Riku: Yeah.

Naminé: What for?

Riku: So he could have some FUN with them.

Kaki, Axel, Roxas & Naminé: EWWWWWWWWWW!!

Riku: Yeah.

_-The camera goes all fritzy-_

Axel: Oh shit.

Roxas: Something's coming!

_-There's a flash of light and when things return to normal Sora's missing-_

Naminé: Oh my god! Sora's gone!

Riku: Really?!

Kaki: Yeah!

Riku: YES! PART-AY!!

Naminé: Aren't you the least bit concerned?

Riku: No, why should I be he was always a pain in my – OH MY GOD! I HAVE TO FIND SORA!!

Naminé: See I knew you cared.

Riku: Pfft, are you crazy? He has the car keys!

Naminé: -rolls eyes-

_-Riku, Naminé, and Axel leave. Riku's calling for Sora and the car keys, Naminé and Axel are calling for Marluxia.-_

Kaki:- to Roxas- I'm scared.

Roxas: It'll be ok.

_-There is a beat of silence and then the two of them are making out. A few minutes later Axel walks in.-_

Axel: OH MY GOD! What is THIS! My best friend and my best sister?!

Roxas: -pulls away from Kaki- Axel I –

Axel: Have you been BANGING my sister?!

Roxas: NO!

Kaki: Uh oh. -backs away-

_-Axel attacks Roxas and a big fight ensues.-_

Axel: -pulls Roxas's hair. - Roxas how could you!

Roxas: -scratches at Axel- Axel I'm sorry!

Kaki: STOP IT GUYS!

Riku: -enters the room and pulls them apart- Cut it out! Jesus!

_-Cut to Sora and Marluxia-_

_-They are sitting in a basement with a bunch of long dead bodies, and are seated around an old party table. "It's my Party" is playing in the background.-_

Sora: Oh my god! Marluxia! Are you ok? You don't look so good? Where are we? How'd you get down here? Why's your hair pink? I'm scared, are you scared? Do you know what's going on? Cause I sure don't! Oh my god! Did you find the heartless?

Marluxia: Sora –

_-Zac Efron the Heartless grabs onto the top of Marluxia's head.-_

Sora: OH MY GOD! IT'S THE HEARTLESS!! MARLUXIA LOOK OUT!!

Marluxia: -opens mouth to speak-

_-Zac Efron skewers Marluxia through the throat.-_

Sora: Marluxia, are you all right? -Realizes Marluxia is dead.- MARLUXIA!! NOOOO!!

_Fade to Black._

_The scene opens up with Riku and the 'facers._

Riku: Ok, so Efron was a "cold war" Nut so he was probably scared…. Oh my god!

-Riku runs off-

Naminé: Hey! Riku! Wait for us!

_-The 'facer's follow.-_

_-Cut to Sora.-_

Sora: Hey, what are you doing dude?

_Zac Efron approaches Sora and puts a ridiculous looking party hat on his head._

Sora: Oh my god! This hat is totally awesome!

_-Cut to Riku. Riku is furiously searching for a cellar door.-_

Axel: What are you doing?

Riku: Well a batshit crazy guy like Efron here would probably have a bomb shelter and he probably has Sora, Marluxia and my car keys there so…

Naminé: Oh my god! Your looking for one?!

Kaki: -to Naminé- No shit.

Naminé: Hey!

Roxas: Guys…

-Riku finds the door and pulls it open.-

Riku: Ah ha!

Naminé: Yay! You found it!

-Riku and Naminé go through the door but it slams shut behind them and Axel can't get it open.-

Axel: -yells through the door- IT WON'T OPEN!

Naminé: What do we do?

Riku: -yells through door to Axel, Roxas and Kaki- AXEL! THERE'S SALT IN MY DUFFLE BAG! GET IT OUT, MAKE A CIRCLE AND GET INSIDE!!

Axel: -yells back- GET INSIDE THE DUFFLE?! WHAT THE HELL?!

Riku: NO YOU IDIOT, INSIDE THE CIRCLE! JEEZE!

Axel: OH, OK!

-Riku and Naminé go searching through the cellar.-

_-Cut to Axel, Roxas and Kaki.-_

_-Roxas and Axel make a circle and climb inside. The camera stats to go fritzy again-_

Kaki: Oh no!

_-Another ghost appears but this time its… Marluxia!-_

Kaki: Oh my god!

Roxas: Marluxia!

Axel: No! We're too late!

_-Cut to Riku and Naminé-_

_-There's faint music in the background-_

Riku: Do you hear that?

Naminé: You mean _It's My Party_ playing through that wall over there?

Riku: Yeah.

Naminé: Nope.

Riku: -is unimpressed.- Oh come on Naminé! Be helpful here!

Naminé: Sorry.

_-Riku breaks through the door to the bomb shelter and sees Sora and Zac Efron dancing around like idiots.-_

Naminé: Squee! I love this song!

Riku: What the fuck?

Sora: Come on Riku! It's so much fun! Join the party!

Riku: Wha?

Sora: Zac's not all that bad for a Heartless! He only took the bodies cause he was lonely!

Riku: And the people he killed?

Sora: Oh.. right.. Zacky, why did you kill them?

Zac: -shrugs-

Riku: -hits Zac repeatedly with the keyblade until Zac disappears-

Sora: NO! ZACKY! What did you do that for Riku?!

Riku: Cause I felt like it! Now where are my keys?!

Sora: The car keys?!

Riku: Yeah!

Sora: Here! You only care about them anyways! -Throws them at Riku and pouts-

Riku: Damn straight I do!

Naminé:- Giggles.-

Sora and Riku: Shut up Naminé!

Naminé: -pouts.-

_Cut to Axel, Roxas and Kaki._

Axel: Oh my god! We'v-e got to help him! goes to step out of the circle.-

Roxas: Axel no!

Axel: I have too!

Kaki: If you must. But I warn you, I will laugh if you get attacked.

Axel: -sticks his tongue out at her and approaches Marluxia.-

Roxas: You can do it!

Axel: -to Marluxia.- Marluxia? Um hi, it's me Axel. Listen Marluxia, you… you have to stop repeating your death cause it's not cool and you deserve to be in peace. Listen man, I'm real sorry that you died and stuff.

Marluxia: -just stares forward and sputters-

Axel: Um, Marluxia? Come on man. Just come on.

Kaki: It isn't working!

Axel: -goes back to them- What do we do?

Roxas: Axel, I think I know of a way to get through to him.

Kaki and Axel: You do?

Roxas: Yeah. Axel, Marluxia wanted you.

Axel: Huh?

Roxas: He WANTED you.

Axel: Huh?

Roxas: He had the hots for you.

Axel: Huh?

Roxas: He was attracted to you.

Axel: Huh?

Roxas: He was in love with you, you idiot!

Axel: Ohhh… huh?

Kaki:- frustrated- He wanted to have butt sex with you Axel! Jesus Christ! Are you that dense?!

Axel: Oh. Ohhhhhh… Oh… Makes a face

Roxas: Axel you know what you have to do.

Axel: I do?

Roxas: You have to go be gay for that poor dead intern!

Axel: -makes a face- Do I have too?

Kaki: Yes!

Axel:- heads over to Marluxia then turns to face them again.- Really?

Roxas and Kaki: JUST DO IT!

Axel: All right, all right, fine. -Goes over to Marluxia-. Uh, hi Marluxia. Listen, I could do this big speech thing, but you already know that you don't deserve this and stuff so I'm just going to come right out and say this. Marluxia, you have to stop living your death over and over again because I love you.

Marluxia: -looks at Axel- A-axel.

Axel: Yeah, it's me Luxy. Listen, w-we need your help to stop Zac Efron.

Marluxia: -nods-

_Fade to black._

_-Scene opens up with Sora, Riku, Naminé and the car keys in the basement.-_

Sora:- tries to bash the door in. -OHMYGOD! WERE STUCK DOWN HERE!

_Camera goes fritzy_

Naminé: Guys! Something's coming!

_-Zac Efron attacks. He pushes Naminé down and goes to attack Sora. Riku trips him but Zac hits him over the head. Sora drops to the ground and Zac stands over him menacingly.-_

Sora: DON'T DO IT ZACKY! WE'RE FRIENDS! REMEMBER?!

_-Suddenly Marluxia's ghost appears and it tackles the evil Heartless Zac Efron. A girl with long brown hair appears on the stairs above them.-_

Girl: WOO HOO!! GO MARLUXIA!! BEAT THAT BITCH DOWN!! YEAH!!

_-Marluxia and Zac scuffle but Marluxia wins and both the ghost and the heartless disappear in a flash of light.-_

Riku: -gets up-. Who are you?

Girl: -I'm Rindy.-

Sora: Oooo, I like that name!

_-All four of them head upstairs and meet up with Axel, Roxas and Kaki.-_

Riku: suspiciously Ok Rindy, how did you get in here?

Rindy: -Uh, through the door.-

Kaki: But the door was blocked.

Rindy: No it wasn't.

Roxas: Yeah, we were in supernatural lock down or whatever. Sora said so!

Rindy: Well the doors were working fine when I came in. -goes to front door and opens it-. And they're working fine now.

_-Everyone but Rindy glares at Sora.-_

Sora:- sheepish.- Heh, heh, oops.

_Fade to black._

_-The scene opens up with dawn breaking and Riku, Sora, Rindy and the 'facers are leaving 'The Creepy Twilight Town Mansion in the Woods.' Roxas and Kaki hold hands.-_

Axel: -voice over- Leap Year, February 29th, The Creepy Twilight Town Mansion in the Woods' – a tragic day. A day of souls bound in torment, of lives held in cruel balance. But the Heartlessfacers, they did the best that they could. We lost, a beloved friend, but we gained new allies. We know this much – that every day, including today, is a new beginning.

_-Cut to the studio where Roxas and Axel were in the beginning.-_

Axel: We learned more than we can say in the brutal fate of the 'The Creepy Twilight Town Mansion in the Woods'.

Roxas: The Heartlessfacers were forced to face something far more scary than ghosts – they were forced to face themselves.

Axel: War changes man –

Roxas: And Kaki, Naminé, and Rindy.

Axel: War changes man and three women.

Roxas: And Marluxia, man, we love ya.

Axel: Yeah, all this time we thought we were teaching you, but you were teaching us. About dedication and passion and how gay love can save the day.

Roxas: Yeah. We like to think you're out there watching over us.

Axel: Yeah, as far as we're concerned you're not an intern anymore.

Roxas: You've more than earned the title of Heartlessfacer.

Axel: Yeah.

Roxas: That's all for today.

Axel: Yeah, just one more thing: GAY LOVE POWER!!

Roxas: Uh, yeah, what he said.

Axel & Roxas: HEARTLESSFACERS!

Credits roll and music plays.

_Heart, -less facers_

_We'll face a heartless when the keybladers run._

_Heart, -Less facers._

_Stay in the forest when the forest gets hot,_

_Heart, -less facers_

_We face your Heartless, we face your nobodys,_

_Heart, -less facers,_

_We face your faces, we face your DEATH_

On the screen.

_"Marluxia the Nobody 1985 – 2008 __  
__King of the Impossible"_

_END OF EPISODE TWO_

Sora dropped the script from his hand and looked at his odd group of friends. They were standing in the desert of Agrabah, having tracked Sephiroth to there.

"Well?" he asked.

"Well… I was in it…" Naminé offered.

"It wasn't any better than the last one." Axel admitted.

"Well I did get to make out with Roxas..." Kaki said.

"Yeah..." Roxas glanced at the purple haired girl beside him.

"I think he's watching us." Donald announced.

"Gawrsh, do you think so?" Goofy asked.

"Well he's gotta be," Riku added. "I mean he knows that Rindy's joined us, obviously."

Suddenly peals of laughter once again interrupt their serious conversation. Rindy was doubled over with laughter.

"I'm sorry," Rindy said. "It's just so stupid. With the whole gay love power thing."

"Well, it was kinda funny…" Riku admitted.

"Yeah," Kaki added.

"Are you kidding it was freaking hilarious cause of how STUPID it was!" Rindy insisted.

After she had calmed down Sora asked a good question.

"Why was Marluxia in it?" he asked.

Everyone thought.

"Well maybe it's a hint," Rindy suggested.

"Yeah," Kaki agreed.

"It's a stupid hint then," Kairi whined.

"Not really," Rindy insisted. "I mean if you think about it, other than his pink hair, Marluxia was most known for his flower petals. When world can plants be associated with?"

"The Deep jungle!" everyone but Kairi chorused.

"Exactly!" Rindy said.

"So Deep jungle it is then," Sora says.

"This time, it's personal." Riku quotes. Rindy laughs.

"Riku, you're starting to sound like someone in one of those ridiculous scripts." Naminé said.

"Shit," Riku muttered. Rindy and Kaki both laughed this time as they headed off to their Gummi Ship.

And so it continues.


	3. The Axel Horror Picture Show

**If you see any mistakes, tell me??**

DISCLAIMAH: Ok, Hi, SelenaEde here. Again. Finally. I know, I know. Lol. Ok, as usual, I do not own _Kingdom Hearts_. Uh, duh. And I also do not own _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_, which I totally adore. I dunno how much LadyKakira will like this part of the story, since she doesn't remember much of the movie… or hasn't seen it, I can't remember which… oops… but here it is. Lol.

And just for the record, me and LadyKakira obviously didn't have this one planned since she doesn't know much about it. Inspiration struck when I was looking back in my sketchbook and saw a fully coloured picture I did of the KH gang and Kaki and Rindy as characters from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I was bored, lol.

Anyways, enough chit chat from me. Onto the story… after the disclaimer that Kaki might slap on for herself, but since she has no idea I'm writing this, I dunno if she will. But yes, onto the chapter that at least one person seems to be awaiting. Yes, evilkat23, I'm talking to you, since you appear to be the sole fan/reader of this crappy thing. Lol.

I'm outta here, until next time, and I dunno when that will be since I'm going on vacation for like a week starting Sunday. I'll try to write the next parts for the Axel part before then. (One day… o.o) Lol. Ok shutting up now… yep… now…

LadyKakira: Hey there! okay, i finally had the inspiration to upload this chapter, and over the time i was procrastinating, i finally had watched all of the movie. I watched it when i was younger, but had forgotten nearly everything.;D  
... be lucky i uploaded this. If it werent for me wanting to start a shugo chara! one-shot, and i hate starting new stuff on without finishing up other stuff i had started, there wouldnt be this one up until i actually had inspiration. okay, so now for the disclaimer!  
I dont own:  
The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  
Kingdom Hearts (though in my mind id like to own roxas lol)  
BUT i do own Kakira.(oh god i need to stop using that name in my ffs. OH, HOW I LOVE THIS CHAPTER THOUGH. keep reading!)  
and... i dont own disney.  
anything else i dont own? well, if i missed it, i probably dont own it.

**The Axel Horror Picture Show: Part 1**

Naminé Voice Over: _Mickey Mouse was ill._

_ The day the earth stood still_

_ But he told us where we stand_

_ And Marluxia was there_

_ In silver underwear._

_ Xigbar was the invisible man._

_ Then something went wrong_

_ For Larxene and Xaldin_

_ They got caught in a celluloid jam_

_ Then at a deadly pace_

_ It came from outer space_

_ And this is how the message ran_

_ Science Fiction - double-feature_

_ Dr Mansex will build a creature_

_ See Heartless fighting Roxas and Kaki…et_

_ Saïx stars in Forbidden Planet_

_ Oh - at the late night, double-feature_

_ Picture Show._

_ I knew Ansem Carroll_

_ Was over a barrel_

_ When tarantula took to the hills_

_ And I really got hot_

_ When I saw Luxord Scott_

_ Fight a TRikuid that spits poison and kills_

_ Vexen said prunes_

_ Gave him the runes_

_ And passing them used lots of skills._

_ And when worlds collide_

_ Said Cloud to his bride_

_ I'm going to give you some terrible trills_

_ Like a -_

_ Science Fiction - double-feature_

_ Dr Mansex will build a creature_

_ See Androids fighting Roxas and Kaki…et_

_ Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet_

_ Oh - at the late-night, double-feature_

_ Picture Show_

_ By RKO O- Oh_

_ At the late-night, double-feature_

_ Picture Show_

_ In the back row_

_ At the late-night, double-feature_

_ Picture Show_

_ I want to go._

_ To the late night double feature_

_ Picture Show._

(The song ends to church bells ringing, as the screen expands to a set of double doors of a church. As we watch the church door bursts open and a wedding song plays from an organ inside. The young newlyweds, Marluxia and Kairi, exit followed by a crowd that is throwing confetti… and rice…)

Roxas: (whips rice at a random guest) Ha! Take that bitch!

Guest: Owwww….. (she pouts)

Roxas: (laughs maliciously)

Kaki: (joins in the laughter)

Marluxia: -slaps Roxas on the back- Looks like we made it after all!

Roxas: There was never really any doubt. You two have been inseparable since you first sat down in Dr. Zexion's class. Plus you two are the world's biggest sluts. You're perfect for each other.

Marluxia: So true, so true. Kairi was the only real reason I went to Dr. Zexion's stupid classes. I just wish Dr. Zexion could be here.

Roxas: Yeah, it sure does suck that his new job took him away from here, eh?

(Kairi throws the bouquet and Kaki catches it and squeals with delight)

Marluxia: Oh look dude. Looks like you're next. (winks)

Roxas: Guess so, ha ha.

(Marluxia and Kairi drive off. Guests wave and shout, Roxas and Kaki do so with great enthusiasm. The guests begin to disperse.)

(Kaki and Roxas linger outside the church. So do a strange family: An old man with a pitchfork and his wife and daughter. They resemble the Quaker family in "American Gothic", a painting.)

(The mother (Rindy) and father (Riku) stand outside the church doors. Their daughter (Naminé) goes inside. The family, and the minister (Sora), and the guests all resemble characters we shall meet later at the Sora N. Furter place.)

Kaki: Oh isn't it wonderful? Didn't Kairi just look so radiantly slutty- er, I mean beautiful? Jut an hour ago she was just plain old Kairi the Slut, and now she's Mrs. Marluxia the Slut!

Roxas: Er, yeah… great Kaki… Marluxia sure is getting lucky, uh I mean a lucky guy.

Kaki: Yes.

(The first chord of the wedding song plays)

(With great decision Roxas turns to Kaki)

Roxas: Hey Kaki.

Kaki: Yes Roxas?

Roxas: I've got something to say.

Kaki: Uh huh.

Roxas: I really loved the skilful way, You beat the other girls, To the bride's bouquet.

Kaki: Oh Roxas.

(Singing begins)

Roxas: _The river was deep but I swam it._

The Family (Riku & Rindy): _Kaki…et_

Roxas: _The future is ours so let's plan it._

The Family (Riku & Rindy): _Kaki…et._

Roxas:_ So please don't tell me to can it._

The Family (Riku & Rindy): _Kaki…et._

Roxas: _I've one thing to say and that's_

_Dammit, Kaki._

_I love you._

_The road was long but I ran it._

(He runs backwards towards church doors.)

The Family (Riku & Rindy): _Kaki-et._

(Roxas starts climbing onto the fence)

Roxas: _There's a fire in my heart_

_And you fan it._

(He jumps off of it)

The Family (Riku & Rindy): _Kaki…et._

Roxas: _If there's one fool for you_

_Then I am it._

The Family (Riku & Rindy): _Kaki…et._

(Roxas gets a piece of chalk from his pocket)

Roxas: _I've one thing to say and that's,_

_Dammit, Kaki..et._

(He chalks a heart and arrow on the church door, which Riku proceeds to wipe off.)

Roxas: _I love you._

(Kakira runs to him, he kneels and produces a ring)

Roxas: _Here's a ring to prove that_

_I'm not joker._

(Church bells Peal out. Riku and Rindy open the doors and solemnly enter the church, and the door closes behind them.)

Roxas: _There's three ways that love can grow._

_That's good bad or mediocre._

(Kaki grabs the ring as Roxas rises. She throws down the bouquet and would fall into Roxas's arms but he goes to the door to chalk on it again.)

Roxas: _Oh - K - A - K - I – R - A_

_I love you so._

(Kaki, transfixed, bursts into the church, and Roxas follows her.)

Kaki:_Oh!...It's nicer than_

_Kairi the slut had_

Rindy:(Peering up from behind pew) _Oh Rox-ad._

Kaki: _Now we're engaged and I'm so glad._

Rindy and Naminé: _Oh Rox-ad._ (Both peer up and disappear)

Kaki: _That you met Mom_

_And you know Dad._

Whole family: _Oh Rox-ad._ (peering up together)

Kaki: (Taking his arm) _I've one thing to say_

_ And that's, Roxas_

_ I'm mad,_

_ For you too._

(Roxas and Kaki begin to walk, arm in arm. The strange FAMILY march slowly in front.)

Kaki: (Laying head on Roxas's shoulder.)_Oh, Rox-ad._

Roxas: _Oh Dammit._

Kaki: (Caresses his cheek)_I'm mad..._

Roxas: _Oh Kaki-et_

Kaki: _For you._

Roxas:(briefly kisses her)_I love you too-oo-oo._

(Roxas takes Kaki's hands, turning to her. We are aware of THE FAMILY bringing in coffin in background through vestry door.

Roxas and Kaki: _There's one thing left to do-ah-ooh_

(They separate)

Roxas: _And that's go see the man_

_Who began it_

Family (Carrying coffin): _Kaki…et_.

Roxas: _When we met in his science exam_

_It -_

(The family move into position behind Roxas and Kaki)

Family: _Kaki-et_.

Roxas: _Made me give you the eye_

_And then panic,_

Family: _Kaki-et_

(The family lower coffin onto floor.)

Roxas: _I've got one thing to say, and that's_

_Dammit,_

_Kaki…et._

_I love you._

(Kaki runs to Roxas and he hugs her.)

Roxas: (Circling Kaki) _Dammit, Kaki-et._

(Kaki circles Roxas twice, admiring her ring on the way.)

Kaki: _Oh Rox-ad,_

_I'm mad._

Roxas: _Dammit, Kaki…et_.

Roxas, Kaki and The family: _I love you._

(Roxas and Kaki kiss as the cross above spits optically.)

**- IN A STUDY AT NIGHT -**

(Lexaeus is sitting in an armchair, smoking)

Lexaeus: I would like, if I may, to take you on a journey.

(He crosses to a book shelf and selects a book that is called "The Destiny Island Affair")

Lexaeus: It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Roxas Majors and his fiancée Kakira Weiss, two young ordinary healthy kids, left Destiny Island that late November evening to visit Dr. Zexion, ex. tutor and now friend of both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and pendulous, toward which they were driving. It's true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But they being normal kids and on a night out, well they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out.

(He closes the book, marking his place. Thunder is heard outside.)

Lexaeus: It was a night out they were going to remember for a very long time.

(Lightning cracks)

Lexaeus: (starts coughing violently) Oh… oh god….. not used to…. (coughs)… smoking…. Dammit….

**- WITH ROXAS AND KAKI - **

(Roxas and Kaki are driving down a dark and deserted street and Roxas is struggling to see through the windshield which is covered with torrential rain)

(A motorcycle roars past them.)

Kaki: Wow… that's the third person on a motorcycle to pass us. Is there a convention or something? Maybe Friday the 13th in Port Dover?

Roxas: Ha ha. Very funny.

(The car slows down)

Kaki: What's wrong honey?

Roxas: Read the sign.

Sign: "Dead End"

Kaki: Oh. Well that sucks.

Roxas: I think we made a wrong turn somewhere…

Kaki: Then where the hell did all those motorcyclists come from? The sky?

Roxas: I guess so. Looks like we have to turn around…

(The car reverses and Roxas puts his foot on the accelerator and the car tires oh so conveniently explode.)

Kaki: Do we have a blow out?

Roxas: It would seem so.

Kaki: Oh…

(A beat of silence then lightning strikes a tree and Kaki jumps)

Roxas: You better stay here and keep warm while I go get help.

Kaki: Help from where? Hello! We're in the middle of no where.

Roxas: Didn't we pass a castle a while back? They have to have a phone.

(He unbuckles his belt.)

Kaki: I'm coming too.

Roxas: But Kaki honey, there's no point in us both getting wet.

Kaki: That's what you think. What if the owner of the castle is a beautiful woman and you never come back?

Roxas: (laughs) Fine.

(Kaki unbuckles her belt and exits the car, putting a newspaper over her head)

(Music starts playing as they begin to walk)

(The rain pours off the newspaper down Kaki's face. She walks along, catching up with Roxas. She sings plaintively.)

Kaki: _In the velvet darkness_

_Of the blackest night_

_Burning bright._

(We see the two of them - ROXAS striding ahead, KAKI nearly catching up with him. Behind them on the side of the road, sparse trees and rock formations.)

Kaki: _There's a guiding star_

_No matter what or who you are._

(They have passed a row of trees. A rock formation in the shape of a castle is silhouetted against the sky. It has a flag flying from the turret. Lightning strikes. A glow of light appears in a window. It illuminates a path to the castle. Roxas and Kaki turn. The castle is in the distance between the two of them.)

Roxas and Kaki: _There's a light_

(The castle looms in the distance.)

Phantom Voices: _Over at the Soraenstein place._

(Roxas stares hard.)

Roxas: _There's a light._

(The castle looms closer.)

Phantom Voices: _Burning in the fireplace._

Kaki:(looks to Roxas)_There's a light, a light_

_ In the darkness of everybody's life_

(Taking Kaki by the hand, Roxas moves off the roadway towards the house.)

Roxas: _I can see the flag fly_

_I can see the rain_

_Just the same_

_There has got to be_

_Something better here_

_For you and me._

(Lighting strikes. Kaki jumps towards Roxas.)

Roxas and Kaki: _There's a light._

(The castle seems to move forward.)

Phantom Voices: _Burning in the fireplace._

Roxas: _There's a light._

(A motorcycle convoy roars by revealing a hidden road to the castle.)

Roxas: _A light_

_In the darkness of everybody's life._

(The convoy drives up and disappears into a secret entrance in the rock.)

(We see a cell-like window near a massive lighted window. A tortured face appears squinting into the darkness.

Riku: _The darkness must go_

_Down the river of nights dreaming_

_Flow morphia slow_

_Let the sun and light come streaming_

_Into my life._

(Lightning strikes.)

(Riku moves to the lighted window where his hunchbacked shape becomes a giant shadow.)

Riku: _Into my life._

(Roxas and Kaki start moving down the driveway.)

Roxas and Kaki: _There's a light._

(Shadow turns in the window.)

Phantom Voices: Over at _the Soraenstein place._

(Roxas and Kaki approach the gateway to the castle.)

Roxas and Kaki: _There's a light._

(The shadow slowly covers the whole window.)

Phantom Voices: _Burning in the fireplace._

_There's a light, a light._

(Roxas and Kaki are at the gate. There is a rusted sign.)

Roxas and Kaki: _In the darkness of everybody's life._

(A bolt of lighting illuminates the sign which reads: SORA N. FURTER - **SCIENTIST.)**

**-CUT TO LEXAEUS-**

(Lexaeus is in his armchair. He leans forward with some urgency.)

Lexaeus: And so it seemed that fortune had smiled on Roxas and Kaki and that they had found the assistance that their plight required - or had they?

(Lexaeus starts coughing again)

(Thunderclap.)

**-CUT TO SORA'S CASTLE-**

(Kaki rings the doorbell)

Roxas: Kaki… this is s creepy! Can't we just go back?

Kaki: This was your idea Roxas.

Roxas: I know but Kaki…

Kaki: Ok, we'll just –

(The door opens and thumping music from the party inside can be heard. Riku is standing in the doorway, with a hunched back)

Kaki: Too late. (grins at Roxas)

Roxas: (pouts)

Riku: Hello.

Roxas: (regains composure) Uh - oh - Hi! My name is Roxas Majors. And this is my fiancée, Kaki Weiss. I - ah - wondered if you could help us. Our car has broken down about two miles up the road. Do you have a phone we might use?

Riku: (sarcastically) You're wet.

Kaki: No shit Sherlock. Hello, rain anyone?

Riku: (sarcastically) Yes.

(A bolt of lightning illuminates the castle and Roxas spots a row of motorcycles and looks startled. Riku notices that Roxas noticed them)

Riku: I think you both better come inside.

Kaki: Thanks.

(They enter the castle apprehensively. Riku leads them down a stairway.)

Roxas: Kaki… this is so creepy. What kind of place is this?

Kaki: Oh don't worry, it's probably just a hunting lodge for rich weirdos… or Xemnas's family home. (snickers)

(They arrive at the bottom of the stairs and Rindy is vacuuming. Rindy bears a strong resemblance to Riku, although she has no hunched back and very different hair and eyes.)

Riku: This way.

(Kaki steps over the vacuum)

Roxas: Are you guys throwing a party?

Riku: No, you two have arrived on a very special occasion. One of the master's affairs.

Kaki: Lucky him.

Rindy: He's lucky.

(Roxas and Kaki turn to her, startled by her speaking)

Rindy: You're lucky. I'm lucky. We're all lucky!

(The music to the Time Warp begins)

(Roxas and Kaki are alarmed by the outburst from Rindy. They turn to face Riku who is standing in front of a set of mirrors.)

Riku: _It's astounding_

_Time is fleeting_

_Madness takes its toll_

_But listen closely_

Rindy: _Not for very much longer_

Riku: I_'ve got to keep control._

(Rindy gives Riku a strange signal. Riku starts to dance in an extraordinary fashion.

Riku: _I remember doing the Time Warp._

(Kaki and Roxas are amazed.)

Riku: _Drinking those moments when_

_The blackness would hit me._

(Rindy half closes her eyes in pleasure. Kaki clings to Roxas.)

Riku: _And the void would be calling._

(Riku opens a set of double doors marked Ballroom.)

(Roxas and Kaki find themselves on a balcony of a huge black and silver ballroom. At the furthest end is a throne-like chair and, surrounding it, a theatre proscenium. In the body of the room are guests. They are the people Roxas and Kaki passed on the road. They are the Transylvanian Secret Agents - assembled on this special occasion from all over the earth. It is the Annual Transylvanian Convention - announced by an official banner suspended over the Ballroom. They are all dressed in strange but elegant evening wear. They are a distorted version of the guests from the Destiny Island wedding. A party spirit prevails, they throw their arms out in a plea to Riku on the balcony.

Guests: _Let's do the Time Warp again._

Kaki falls into Roxas's arms. Riku is ecstatic. Roxas revives Kaki.

Guests:(repeating action) _Let's do the Time Warp again._

(Kaki faints again.)

**-IN LEXAEUS'S STUDY-**

(Lexaeus moves from his desk to the wall behind him. He pulls down a chart with illustrated dance steps on it. He gestures to the appropriate section of the diagram with the pointer.

Lexaeus: _It's just a jump to the left._

**-IN THE BALLROOM-**

(The GUESTS leap to the left in one giant step.)

Guests: (dancing)And a step to the right - right - right - right - right.

**-IN LEXAEUS'S STUDY-**

(Lexaeus points to next step on the chart.)

Lexaeus: _With your hands on your hips._

**-IN THE BALLROOM-**

(All the guests have their hands on their hips.)

Guests: _You bring your knees in tight._

_But it's the pelvic thrust._

(The rows of guests open out with pelvic thrusts.)

Guests: _They really drive you insane._

(We see them from the balcony and they open out in formation.)

Guests: _Let's do the Time Warp again._

(Kaki revives.)

(The guests re-form.)

Guests: _Let's do the Time Warp again._

(Roxas and Kaki make a run out the door. They collide with Rindy who has blocked off the corridor with her vacuum. She sings with menace, waving the cleaner hose dangerously.)

Rindy: _It's so dreamy_

_Oh, fantasy free me_

_So you can't see me_

_No not at all._

(Roxas and Kaki look at each other in alarm.)

Rindy: _In another dimension._

(She forces them back towards balcony)

Rindy: _With voyeuristic intention._

(Roxas blushes.)

Rindy: _Well secluded I see all_

_With a bit of a mind flip_

_You're into the time slip_

_Nothing will ever seem the same._

(They are back at the balcony.)

Rindy:_ You're spaced out on sensation._

(They are at the edge of the balcony.)

Riku: _Like you're under sedation._

(They force Roxas and Kaki into the Ballroom proper. The guests turn on them.)

Guests: _Let's do the Time Warp again._

(Roxas and Kaki are completely dismayed.)

Guests: _Let's do the Time Warp again._

(Naminé, a young girl, is the household groupie. She sings with the band at the end of the Ballroom.)

Naminé: _Well I was walking down the street_

_Just having a think_

_When a snake of a guy_

_Gave me an evil wink._

_Well it shook me up_

_It took me by surprise_

_He had a pick-up truck_

_And the devil's eyes_

_He stared at me_

_And I felt a change_

_Time meant nothing_

_Never would again._

Guests: _Let's do the Time Warp again._

Roxas and Kaki are reeling.

Guests: _Let's do the Time Warp again._

**-IN LEXAEUS'S STUDY-**

(He has now become rather involved in the dance and is standing on the blotter on the top of his desk.

Lexaeus: _It's just a jump to the left._

(He jumps to the left.)

**-IN THE BALLROOM-**

Guests: _And then a step to the right._

(The guests take one.)

**-IN LEXAEUS'S STUDY-**

(Lexaeus is dancing on the desk.)

Lexaeus: _With your hands on your hips._

**-IN THE BALLROOM-**

Guests: _You bring your knees in tight._

_But it's the pelvic thrust._

_That really drives you insane._

_Let's do the Time Warp again._

(Everyone reverses direction.)

Guests: _Let's do the Time Warp again._

(All the GUESTS fall to the floor like flies exhausted.)

Kaki: Oh… say something.

Roxas: Heh… say, does anyone know the Macarena?

(The guests look angry. Roxas and Kaki back up unto their backs bump into a lift. The lift is slowly coming down bearing a figure wearing a black cloak and a diamante stiletto heel that is beating time to a rhythm the band has started playing.)

Roxas: Let's get out of here Kaki.

Kaki: Come on Roxas. Get a grip on yourself.

Roxas: I can't help it… it just seems so unhealthy here. It could corrupt you!

Kaki: Corrupt ME?

Roxas: Yeah!

Kaki: Ha! You're funny. Besides, It's just a… a party…

Roxas: It's creep-pay!

Kaki: Besides, we can't go anywhere till we use the phone.

Roxas: Then ask someone!

Kaki: Chill out Roxas. Let's wait a while. We don't want to interfere with their celebrations.

Roxas: Kaki…

Kaki: Roxas honey, their probably foreigners with ways that are different from ours. They might do some more… er… folk dancing… yeah… that's it…

Roxas: But the phone…

Kaki: Roxas, it's fine. We're here together. It's ok.

(The guests rise and stare mesmerized at the lift. Kaki turns around and sees the shoe then looks up at the owners face. Despite her brave front, she faints.)

(The figure turns and throws open lift cage door. The host is obviously male, but he is wearing quite a bit of makeup, including dark eye shadow and red lipstick. He starts singing to the song Sweet Transvesite)

**Sora: **_How do you do._

_I see you've met my faithful handyman._

_He's a little brought down - _

_Because when you knocked_

_He thought you were the candyman._

(Riku scowls.)

**Sora: **_Don't get strung out by the way _

_that I look._

(Sora strides across the Ballroom to the throne.)

**Sora: **_Don't judge a book by its cover_

_I'm not much of a man_

_By the light of day_

_But by night I'm one hell of a lover._

(Kaki gives a silent scream.)

(SORA lets the cloak fall onto the throne, which reveals his transvestite attire.)

(The guests scream with delight.)

Sora**: **_I'm just a sweet Transvestite_

_From Transexual Transylvania._

(He slowly moves back to Roxas and Kaki, doing leg kicks.)

Sora: _Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound_

_You look like you're both pretty groovie._

(He circles them and forces them into the Ballroom.)

Sora: _Or if you want something visual_

_not too abysmal_

_We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie._

(Roxas clumsily attempts to circle around SORA. SORA meanwhile ignores him and greets his other guests.)

**Roxas: **_I'm glad we caught you at home_

_Ah - could we use your phone_

_We're both in a bit of a hurry._

(Kaki joins Roxas.)

**Kaki: **_Right!_

**Roxas: **_We'll just say where we are_

_Then go back to the car_

_We don't want to be any worry._

(Sora turns on them.)

**Sora: **_You got caught with a flat_

_Well how about that_

_Well babies don't you panic_

_By the light of the night_

_It'll seem alright_

_I'll get you a satanic mechanic._

(Sora turns his back on Roxas and Kaki and splitting the ranks of his guests, departs for the other end of the Ballroom. Streamers fall.)

**Sora: **_I'm just a sweet transvestite_

_From Transexual Transylvania._

(From the throne he gestures towards Roxas and Kaki rather slowly over the next verse.)

**Sora: **_Why dont'cha stay for the night_

Riku and Rindy: _"night"_

Sora: _Or maybe a bite_

**Riku and Rindy: **_"bite"_

Sora: _I could show you my favourite obsession_

_I've been making a man_

_With red hair and a tan_

_And he's good for relieving my tension._

(We view from OVERHEAD as the GUESTS surround him adoringly.)

Sora: _I'm just a sweet transvestite_

_From Transexual Transylvania._

(Sora storms down the Ballroom to the lift.)

Sora: _I'm just a sweet transvestite._

Guests: _"Sweet Transvestite"_

**Sora: **_From Transexual Transylvania._

**Guests: **_"Transylvania"_

**Sora: **_So come up to the Lab._

_And see what's on the slab._

_I see you shiver with anticipation_

_But maybe the rain_

_Is really to blame_

_So I'll remove the cause_

_But not the symptom_

(On the last chord, the lift has disappeared. The guests applaud ecstatically. Riku and Rindy close in on Roxas and Kaki)

Roxas: Kaki!

Kaki: Uh oh…

(Riku and Rindy remove Roxas and Kaki's wet clothes. Naminé strolls over from the bandstand towards Roxas and Kaki. She witnesses the undressing.)

Naminé: Slowly, slowly. It's too nice a job to rush.

(The guests moan softly as each piece of clothing comes off until Roxas and Kaki are left shivering in their underwear.)

Kaki: Oh…

Roxas: What the hell is this shit?!

(The guests and servants are motionless. Roxas and Kaki are the total objects of their attention.)

END OF PART 1

--

"What the hell!" cried out Roxas as he dropped the first part of the script onto the forested ground of Deep Jungle.

"Whoa…" Donald muttered. Goofy imply looked scarred.

"Dude you guys totally got publicly undressed down to your underwear!" Naminé pointed out looking at Roxas and Kaki. Roxas looked embarrassed.

"Hey," Kaki put an arm around Roxas' shoulders. "At least we were engaged."

"That's a plus," Roxas admitted half-heartedly.

"Sora's a transvestite…" Kairi murmured, mulling the idea over.

"We're not in it Kai," Axel informed her.

"True…" Kairi admitted, her thoughtful look being replaced with one of slight hurt.

The short silence was interrupted by bouts of laughter coming from Riku, Rindy and Sora.

"I'm just a sweet transvestite…" Sora bellowed through his laughter.

"And the void was calling…" Riku snorted.

"With voyeuristic intention.." Rindy laughed.

"Let's do the time warp again!" all three shouted, then resumed their laughter.

"Hey, at least someone's enjoying themselves," Axel pointed out, laughing. The others simply watched them.

Once they calmed down, the others resumed their thinking.

"Ok, so what do the hints mean this time?" Goofy asked.

"Yeah," Donald quacked out in agreement.

They all thought for a moment and Rindy had a smirk on her face. Kairi soon grew frustrated and turned to the smirking girl.

"Well what is it this time Riinnnnndyyyy? Hmmm?" she whined, looking superior. Riku glared at her and the smugness was wiped off her face.

"Well, isn't it kind obvious?" Rindy asked.

The others simply looked at her, but Axel, Riku, Roxas and Kaki seemed to be catching on quickly.

"We had three pointless Organization XIII members mentioned. One of which, Marluxia, has already been used as a hint. That's why we're here," Rindy explained.

"Yeah…" Naminé agreed.

"And we know next to nothing about Zexion, and his part doesn't seem very large at this point in time. Certainly not large enough to hold a clue."

"Go on," Donald quacked.

"So that leaves Lexaeus. And Lexaeus has a powers over earth, correct?"

Sora nodded.

"And since we are in Deep Jungle, the stronger representation of earth, but more so of flowers and vegetation, that leaves only one place…" Rindy explained.

"The Pride Lands," Riku, Roxas, Axel and Kaki announced. Rindy smiled at them.

"Exactly," she agreed.

"Sounds logical," Donald admitted.

With that the gang headed to the gummi ship to continue on their way to where they would hopefully find the second part of the script.

"I just wish I knew why this guy is playing with us," Rindy muttered.

And so they go.


End file.
